29 Junio 2010

Trying to emulsify into this community and culture I have felt a loss of a sense of self and therefore have needed to do some soul searching.

it is funny how one needs to re explore how they want to present themselves to every new community they move into. what dress and language is most representative of how they want to be perceived? last week I started to feel a little lost. With only a week's worth of clothing and feeling like I was "putting on a show" to be what I thought a PC volunteer was suppose to be, i lost a bit of my goofy, individualistic self.

well, ladies and gentlemen, having come to know this culture a little better and how my actions, dress, and language will be perceived, I have found her.

under some feathers and leather here she is :-)
This is one of the girls in my youth group

estatisticas

of the Peruvian population

7.4% have no education at all
23% complete primary school and drop out
38% complete secondary school and drop out
31% complete some sort of "superior" education or University

28 Junio 2010

Today we hiked Palacala Mountain in San Jerome del Surco.
3 hour hike up
2 hour hike back down

exhaustingly beautiful

This
is the essence of what brings me joy. Hiking around the burros (donkeys) and their shit up rock filled slopes by day for majestic views and crisp sweet mountain stream water greetings. The utter exhaustion of straight up for hours is as warm as my blood can become here in the heart of winter. I will allow the images to speak for themselves.




















I have come to begun praying for a horse or donkey at site. How much joy it would bring me to car for an animal that could help me do work. I cannot wait for tomorrow to come. I love it here.





There have been some severely personal challenges those in the community have faced in their own lives since i have been here. In my usual nature, like a burrio pile on the weight and carry it. And, I think I manage to carry it far lighter than they would. Perhaps the school mascopt of the longhorn was suiting in it's representation of myself.

It is amazin how in these short weeks so much of my past has come to not matter so much.
Some of that music
Some of those clothes
Some of those bottles of wine
even Some of those meals

They are peripheral and irrelevant in this world

28 Junio 2010

I really don't think i will ever get used to cold showers

Whilte I may come to appreciate a shower for waht is it worth, the dread of that cold water is still alive, and the jump in is just as shocking.

27 Junio 2010

We went into Lima yesterday. After a speedy walking tour of the city with our language instructors we were given (what i have to say were) poor directions on how to return ourselves to Chaclacayo. We all then dispersed into the depths of the city (but not too deep, that's just dangerous).

My new nearest and dearest friend, Libby, and I brok off with one of the other volunteers named Marina. She had friends that live in Lima dn we got to enjoy the sights with Peruvian peers. This we accepted with great pleasure. However, I almost feel like I wish I hadn't. there is something about the lifestly we have been living the past couple weeks that prevents me from enjoying the comfort and excess that is the big city. While I truly enjoyed the cheese and greasy pizza (anything but rice and potato) we paid dearly for the pleasure. I had saved my week's stipend, and spent 7/10 of it on that pizza. Sitting there, and seeing the money go that could have supported me for one more entire week in my rural town made me ache. Teetering on the scale of enjoying the flavor and sensation of a satisfied belly and ignoring the pangs of guilt, I walked away utterly torn.
What was more uncomfortable was to see the look in the eyes of my Limanean peers when we explained the cold showers and starchy diet. Only an hour away from their lovely little apartments we and families live in this real poverty. The funny part is that some of these families CHOOSE to be here. Some of them have left the city and prefer this much more simplistic, enjoyable lifestyle. Peruvians, I think, above all, want to ejoy life. They have pride, but tend not to be so bogged down by needing to present wealth, more beauty and hygiene. They present themselves, but at no expense to fun.

My mental stability has been jolted a little with this remembrance of "the other life".

My mind struggles with the idea of longing for this lifestyle, but refusing to be a "housewife". Desire to enjoy the simplicity and entertainment that is living in a city.

p.s. Lima is depressing
the sky is very love and heavy in it's cold mist
paired with the short, dully painted 60s buildings
and decorated colonial buildings falling apart
it made me feel claustrophobic.

and to top it off, where the buildings walls meet the street they are greeted with mounds of litter.

26 Junio 2010

All of me belongs here


Beautiful full moon tonight
funny how my view of the the moon here is at a 180degree angle from what those that I love see in the northern hemisphere. not even the sky connects us.

on the 18th of June

I attended a fellow PCV's birthday party
she sent me photos today

here is just about everyone:

24 junio 2010

The doctors are smart
We are getting such a battery of immunizations (about a shot every other day) they know to bring us a treat or we will hide. Yes, yes we will, let me tell you about how sore our arms are. Everything from candies, to these little bracelets we are all wearing bring us back to the immunization chair.

While at the internet cafe last week one of the neighborhood (barrio) girls asked me why all the gingos around here wear such pretty bracelets. It took me a minute to understand how keen of an observation she was making. I offered to teach her how to make them and thus a youth group has begun.
After a two hour search through the markets of Chosica for thread, last night myself and 4 other volunteers convened with 4 girls of the barrio to make "pulseritas" at my house. My loving and gracious house mother thought it fabulous and stood over observing the whole time. With s/. 2 worth of thread (about 60 cents and 1/4 my daily allowance), a simple 4 knot, and smiling faces we took the first few steps to conquering the Youth Development Division's goals (improved sense of self efficacy for the girls, increased friendships between peruvians and americans, trade learning). I had to tap my watch a few times to get the girls to let me walk them home for their dinners.

next week we meet again so we can teach them how to make healthy snack foods by using the inexpensive ingredients in the bodegas in their neighborhood.

24 Junio 2010

Ani Difranco
"Sometimes I see myself
through the eyes of a stray dog
from the alley across the street
and my whole mission just seems so finite
my whole saga just seems so cheap

I mean I know that now is all there is
and love'll just make you cry
so I live for the sight of a rare bird
suddenly flying by

... and that's when your song calls to me
from way up in a tree
and i look up and see the whole world
is as it should be"

23 Junio 2010

sexual assalt and povery rates in the country

I never realized how few people live in this country. Truly it is mostly unlivable rainforest and mountain. I would say half the population of this country lives at or below the poverty level of The States.

some facts



fact:
minimum wage s/. 500 = $160 a month

fact:
this is the lowest minimum wage in Latin America

fact:
90% of reported sexual assalt victims are from poor rural communities

fact:
a couple years ago a group of Peace Corps Volunteers (PCVs) were walking down an ally in a northern city and held up at gun and knife point while one of the women was raped.

fact:
she saw a psychologist for a few months in The States, then returned to Peru to complete her service



this information is hard to come by, i have to squeeze theft and assault information from my superiors. In reality our government hides well what bad happens to PCVs, likewise the Peruvian government hides well the true life of their people.

which is worse?
which is for good?


That said, I am here and being trained to the state of boredom on how to keep myself safe and anticipate my needs. While only an idiot would contain no nervousness, I trust my superiors to prepare me well for my time here, and I have already begun to make friends that would protect me any day. This, integration, is the key to me being able to do my work here.

22 Junio 2010

While I have more enjoyable that unenjoyable able days, I have to admit that even during in this transition stage, the "slightly more difficult" living before the "truly difficult" living, some days are rough. either frustrations with my physical discomfort, frustrations with co-workers, seeing hardships I cannot change, or just down right feeling lonely and needing a hug; some days are a struggle to get through
I feel my energy wane briefly those days. I feel my heart fold and deepen. i notice my thoughts migrating to greed, distain, narcisism, and exhaustion. Fortunately these brief thoughts are greeted with optimism and joy that trumps all. i chant myself to sleep and know "I'll recover my grace in the morning."



phosphorescent

"in the darkness
after the lights
i miss you
more than ever

and to color my eyes into rose
and to ask of my beaten bones
to be less of meat and stone
and more of feather

but lord they're rolling me away
ain't they rolling me away
don't they roll oh oh oh

...and lord i truly am awake
and lord truly i am afraid
and lord truly i remain

... in the darkness
after the lights
i miss you
with no warning

i will recover my sense of grace
and rediscover my rightful place
yes and cover my face
with the morning"

21 Junio 2010

some thoughts

typical peace corps type thoughts, but none-the-less, they can not be said enough...


Does the American really, truly understand what it means to have inaccess to information. To be uneducated. Information is so accessible. Some recently observed capabilities, or pearls of knowledge we take for granted:

The ability to spell
This is learned in every elementary school, public or private in The States. Elementary school is not completed by so many (especially women) here.

That washing your hands and brushing your teeth help maintain good health.
Because it is part of our social rhythm we do not appreciate the value of that knowledge.

The need to read to your child.
Not for studies, but for enjoyment.


Just look at the wealth of knowledge we have accessible through word of mouth, popular books, and even magazines. For instance, we know salt can contribute to high cholesterol.

Peruvian cooking is salty. That is how they make a meal of potatoes and rice some what pleasurable. When having lunch with my mom, she mentioned that she should run with me in the mornings because the doctor said she has hight cholesterol. I (politely-as-can-be) explained the relationship between salt and BP. She looked at me wide eyed and i have to say each meal since doesn't knock me over due to its saltiness (as previously).

As we stomp and trample forward, do we stop to even view the basics? Do we even know the basics are there or where they came from?

17Junio2010

This morning's jog was not quite as successful as the previous day's because we took another path that ended before we reached the top of the cerra. But, we ran in some circles to get the day's blood pumping and any doubt for the success of the day was forgotten.

This evening I attended Mass with my house mom which I enjoyed very much. Connecting spiritually with someone you have trouble communicating with vocally has a beauty all its own. The familiar patterns of Christian orations and songs bring me to dear thoughts of my family and neighborhood. For this, I will always appreciate Christianity. In a time when i feel light years away from anything familiar, all I need is to step into the church a block away from anything to be shuttled to a place of comfort.

When I was in cuba with my mother, we listened to our first sermon spoken in Spanish for Christmas. The minister spoke of a candle light that is in all of us, no matter the religion or location, that connects us all. Looking at the candles and the church tonight, and listening to softly spoken Spanish sermon brought e back there tonight. When you look at a candle and let your eyes relax, the flame seems to grow as if to engulf the room and yourself. The longer you relax, the larger it grows, encompassing your visual field. This light is the Jesus or mystic energy that connects us all. Once we relax and accept it, its beauty will not only illuminate all that we see, but it will also embrace us.




I was thinking about my time in Austin today. I know the young woman that entered that city was vastly different from the woman who left from it. It was quite possibly the metamorphosis of my life. Now, I feel like not only have my roots soaked up all they could from the soil there. But, I have lost excess water weight as my roots dried and can tumble confidently and comfortably where the wind blows me. Yet, I feel like a part of me exploded all over that town. Not only do all my old belongings riddle the houses of friends and strangers throughout the community, but I encountered so many differing people that pulled my core to the surface exposing who I truly am.
Thank you, Austin.

16Junio2010

Today was absolutely wonderful and every thing I could have wanted this to be.

If you look at the images of my neighborhood you will see what looks like mountains surrounding our valley "barrio". But, they are more like enormous piles of dirt and rock that were unloaded by some gigantic dump-truck. The monochrome dirt is loose and no plants grow, but they do not lack in their own desert-like beauty. I have been jogging up these small mountains called "cerros" with the sunrise and (who are becoming good) friends every morning. The shadows a beyond lovely and we can see the main road when we reach the top.

Today we had spanish class on a fellow classmate's roof, then discussed more of the specific expectations of the Youth Development division. We we sat in the sun I observed our shadows flowing over each paper we read. It was as if our own personal silhouettes demonstrated our individual ability to encompass all the words on the paper. As we have come to know each other better, our respect and appreciation for each other has grown. Somehow, in this short week, we have built an umbilical cord connecting us all as we grow in this test-tube-like environment. We know the day to sevor it will come, but appreciate it's nutrients as we live so far from the motherland.

I can only hope that I enjoy tomorrow as much as today.

14junio2010

Some photos of the neighborhood... and hopefully a video as well

13junio2010

my room
notice: my sweater is wet because I have not yet remembered to purchase a towel.


Today began with yest another early wake-up call only to be greeted by more hours of juvenille preparation. No one could see the steam flowing from my ears, it was delicately covered by a smile from my lips and attention from my eyes and absorption from my ears. Only the observant bystander could see the frustration releasing through the twitch of my right foot. I am ready to go!
I just have to remember that the Peace Corps has been doing this for 50 years, I am trusting. I am trusting oh so much.

Then, this afternoon happened. After a lovely evening of yoga and a hot shower we packed our bags and our new host families picked us up from the retreat center. I will be living with this family for the next 10 weeks. They live in a small neighborhood just outside of Chaclacayo called Chaclasana. My family consist of mi mama Rosa, mi papa Caesar, mis hermanas, Shayla y Angela, 4 dogs, quite a few cats, a parrot, chickens, and doves. Needless to say, I love it. There house is mostly plaza surrounded by a lovely rose garden with rooms under construction. My room is disconnected from the main house with one of the younger sisters. We are by the chicken coop. I was warned by the pervious volunteer who lived here the the father is protevtive of the women of the house, including myself. I am not going to let that threat to my independence worry me, presently, I appreciation the pretection.
The girls are extremely kind and welcoming. Angela is 21 and Sheyla is 24. Fortunately, we all speak in Spanish to eachother, unless I help Sheyla with her English homework. I am hoping that my spanish speaking capability improves quickly with this. 13 others live in this neightborhood too, and it is nice to see the familiar faces.

With my deepest respect to my host family, this is poverty. The stucco walls and tin roof are the first glance. The father is unable to provide hot water for his girls to shower in or proper cabinets for food storage in the kitchen.
None-the less, the hose is lovely and everyone has a fabulous sense of humor and patience with me.

Following dinner we headed to the market for a few things for tomorrow. It is incredible how busy the streets are in the park and market area in the neighboring small town. My sisters didn´t seem to notice everyone's eyes staring at the tall (yes, I am tall here) white girl. But the gringa did enjoy the market. I found a battery powered alarm clock for 4 soles that is ticking away loudly in competition with the cricket outside my door as I lay in bed.


I love this. The walks were I need to go, the cold showers, the small dirty kitchen. They all pose real challenges whose embrace I am adoring. It feels real. It feels like living.

12june2010

The three goals of the Peace Corps:

1. Helping the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women.
2. Helping promote a better understanding of Americans in the part of the peoples served.
3. Helping promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans.


While the last two days have been filled with the Peace Corps elaboration on their expectations of us, I feel like no one expects anything of me.



Through exploring these emotions I came to a discovery. The expectations they hae a r within me. I feel that just by being myself and doing what I want to naturally do, I will fulfill their desires. And, if for some strange reason I am not able to produce change or benefit just by living here for two years, I cannot avoid teaching the way of the American or learning the way of the Peruvian.

All I need to do is be.

11junio2010

56 peace corps colunteers including myself arrived in Lima, Peru on the 12th after about 20 hours of travel delays. shuttled through mist and moutnaint we arrived sleepy-eyed in Chaclacayo. In our resort (a word I hesitat to use because it implies luxury) we were encouraged to rest becasue training would begin promptly at 8:30am.
We were fortunate enough to enjoy hot showers and warm beds in cool rooms.

I love the weather. The cool mist and warm sun bring my skin much joy.

My fascination for traveling has clouded my vision of the next two years of my life. It seems like it wil be so long, but I cann not feel the time come or go. I am just here now. Writing this i realize that this is quite a move from my norm. My only assignhment is to be present and absorb. I have thrown all of my energy and compassion into absorbing this country.

the fabric that was my twisting stomach is unwinding and floating skyward with the breath of time.


my eyes face south but my heart rises in weightless anticipation. what once was anxiety that tethered my shoulders to the dragging weight of expectation i am watching what i have tied to hundreds of balloons, one by one, begin to lift off the ground. i am so privileged to be able to watch colorful balloons of accomplishment decorate the sky.

on a rainy day in portland in my Texas boots...

I decide to spend it meandering around in a gigantic independent bookstore. I am attempting to pack myself with worthwhile literature before I leave my home country for so many years. Some silly fear of loneliness in a foreign speaking country forces a surrounding of english fiction.

After making some grown-up, educating selections, with thoughts of my work everpresent, I am pulled to the children's section. Ironic that at this transformation in my life I am pulled back to the shelves holding the Newberry Award winners that looked just the same on my bookshelf twenty years ago. Here, I stumble across a soothing image of whom my brother and I remember to be "The Lupine Lady". Actually titled, "Miss Rumphius" I am curious as to why this book is so prominently displayed next to the other silly little children's books selected for graduates like, " Oh, The Places You Will Go" by Dr. Seuss, and "I Can Be Anything" by David Spanelli. My only personal recolection of this book is of a beautifully illustrated woman who plants beautiful lupines in her seaside town. My endeering memory of her is in admiration. Longing to be that beautiful woman someday, I paused in the bookstore to reminisce on the days before bedtime, at my parents side, being read to sleep. Pulling myself into those cool Ohio evenings under the warm pink comforter, the story begins with Alice on her grandfather's lap,

"When I grow up, I too will go to far away places, and when I grow old, I too will live by the sea."

"That is all very well Alice, but there is a third thing you must do... ... you must make the world more beautiful."

Now, I understand as my eyes well with tears. Now I feel why this picture book brings me such warmth. As Alice becomes Miss Rumphius she travels the world. From tropical to freezing climates she makes friends. And, in almost every images of her journey, she is surrounded by children. The story concludes with her planting of lupines, even in illness, and passing her worldly knowledge to a child.

I wanted to be her then, and I still want to be her now.

It is incredible how this motivation instilled in me unconsciously as a child can be so powerful today. This can only be attributed to the work of my parents. Because they read me these simple stories of moral value, I have been built to enjoy the beauty that is and make it more.

As a child I longed for this, and now I am headed there. These shoes my parents have built allow me to walk the path i am on with some grace and strength to back me up.

Mom and Dad-

I can not only thank you for helping me on my journey, but for instilling the drive in my soul to make me Miss Rumphius. Someday, I will be able to sit by the water and see the beautiful lupines I have planted around my world. I can only hope that I am one of your rose-colored flowers.