Sitting in kelly’s apartment in arequipa city I listened to the dogs start to fight on the roofs of the neighboring houses. It became very apparent when the fighting didn’t stop after 15 minutes that one of those city-top creatures wasn’t going to survive the battel. I sat here hoping only for the fighting to stop as the shrill Spanish of a woman echoed through the calamina. Her voice had no effect. Even after 45 minutes the growling and barking continued.
Today I had had a day that brought the emotions of both the attacker and the attacked. As the sounds of aggression calmed I stepped outside for a cigarette and peace. Almost immediately forgetting the war on the roof and switching to the war in my head a man in a leather jacket carrying a cardboard box walked down from a neighboring apartment. He was walking briskly, focusing on his steps and carrying this heavy box away. The mahogany fur of a lifeless creature sent out a missive from the open flaps of the box. Whether it had been the nicotine or the lifeless body, nausea and dizziness forced me to take a seat on the rail I happened to be tightrope walking. A woman my age carrying a 2 or 3 year old in hand frantically searching the steps I wondered into my field of vision.
“pardon me…” she askes
“he went down that way” I said as I pointed
“did you see a dog with him”
“yes ma’am”
“was it big?”
“no ma’am, it was small”
“did it look well?”
“no ma’am… I am so sorry”
Gentle tears could not be seen by me, but a head turn told everything. I continued,
“I heard the dogs earlier. I am sorry.”
stronger tears echo in her voice,
“I told him. He was drinking and he didn’t believe me” fury, she bends at the waist
“I am so sorry.”
She loses her strength and under a spill of emotion she thanks me and briskly carries the little one back towards comfort and out of my view.
After today, I can’t help but feel like not only the victim, but a predator. So focused on helping these people, I allow myself to get torn apart, and to tear apart even good intentions when it isn’t enough. I take it personally when these people aren’t treated fairly. I make personal attacks on others when I feel there is deficiency.
I have no right.
In the past the answer has been to surround myself with people that think like me. I can live in more peace there. But, that isn’t the world. It is a fantasyland for my mentality. I tell myself that I want to feel, that I want to know. But, then when given that occasion I am blighted.
How can I live in peace? Is it even possible?
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