4 Octubre 2011

I tear apart the Peace Corps training often, for a variety of reasons.

Little did I know how well it would prepare me for things I didn’t expect.

But, this week, I have found a theme in advice given to me for the past year and a half that I have officially decided to ignore.

“Don’t get attached.”

We are leaving in two years, we won’t live here forever, so don’t do the following:

1. make a home for yourself that makes you comfortable. Just get whatever you absolutely need to get by.
2. get a pet, they will take your time, and it will be hard to leave them in two years.
3.  get too attached to the people because you will never see them again.
4.  show all of yourself to the people in the community, they won’t be ready for certain things that are acceptable in western culture and not in theirs (it could hinder your work).
5. have any romantic relationships. It just gets to messy with the cultural differences.

Ok, now, think about how depression and loneliness are the number one Peace Corps issues and tell me you wonder why after looking down this list. Who wouldn’t be depressed and lonely if they are uncomfortable, not being themselves, and have no access to someone they can confide in?

So, I am done.

I realized for the past couple months I have been throwing all these things out the window and made a life for myself here.

I have purchased some things to make my kitchen and daily life easier. An extra pot instead of just one. Four plates, mugs, and forks, instead of just two of each. An actual wisk instead of just using a fork to beat. And… a weekly bottle of good wine.

When the family dog was poisoned by a neighbor, Gray brought us home a puppy. She is some sort of German Shepard mix, and will make a great guard dog for the family. She spends half of her days with Gray and I, and the other half with the family. Right now, she sleeps at the foot of my bed.

Roxana is my life-force. I love her with all my heart and will forever do anything I can for her. It will torture us both for me to leave, but that doesn’t mean I won’t love every minute of loving her here.

I specifically changed my dress and removed all my piercings to be culturally sensitive when I moved here. I have nodded and bitten my tongue when someone says something illogical. I have contributed to projects that are poorly planned, designed, and carried out to not offend anyone. Welp, done with that too. I always assumed there was a reason behind the illogical actions that I didn’t know, and trusted in the doer. Now, I know, often the only reason they do something the way they do, is because their parents did it that way. The desire to do things their best doesn’t exist. So, now, I speak up, kindly, but promptly. I get attached to my projects and make them the best i possibly can.

I have started wearing MY clothes again. I would save my clothing style for when I traveled into the city and live everyday in their style of jeans or sweatpants and sweater combination. Now, I stick to clothing that makes me feel good. I wear a little bit of make up, my way. I cut and style my hair shorter and spikier, and it makes me happy. I am attached to who I am and not playing some ¨perfect PCV¨ roll.

And, my work is flourishing, and I am happy.

Yes, I know it will end. And yes, I will be sad. But now I am being my full self instead of my guarded one. Besides, what is happiness if you don’t ever feel sadness? Why live numb?