My blunt, headstrong, taurus nature is not something to be messed with. Perhaps that is why the first sloppy kiss I got in Peru was from the family bull after a hard day’s work, he and I have a connection, I am telling you.
Peace Corps training beat that out of me a bit. Over and over they remind us that we are THE representation of Americans to hundreds of people here. A political figure, with every action observed and gossiped about. We are on the job 24 hours a day 7 days a week. The government’s pawn in an international, beautiful project. We are taught to bite our tongue, not share our personal opinions often, and do things that make ourselves uncomfortable so the people we are serving feel content. I have learned to smile and nod better than I ever have in my life. And, for this, I do believe that I have acculturated extremely well into my community, and have been invited to more and learned more than I ever could have wished already. However, what Libby calls that “firecracker” in me is being stifled. This exploding half lovely half craziness is being dulled. As I asphyxiate myself a little to better my work in my full time job here I have begun to apply that to my personal life and my conversations with Americans and Peuvian peers. Slowly, I have become this smiling, agreeable, genial, sociable, compliant, consenting, twit. That is being read as a weakness and I am being treated as such. In my attempt to make everyone around me comfortable, they can not see why I deserve the respect I am used to receiving.
Forefront in my mind now: balance it.
I must find the equipoise between being uncomfortable and being demanding. There are times when I am handed food where I just need to eat it no matter how horrible the flavor. Other times, it really is best to turn away the poorly treated, home made, fermented corn blah that is going to make me sick the entire next day. You have no idea how hard it is to say no to a Peruvian woman offering you food.
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