16 Mayo 2012

There was a woman, a guru, who opened an ashram; A place to meditate, a place to find peace.

One day, her friends living there came to her and reported that community members had been saying negative things about the ashram she had founded.  The guru said, “for each positive report I hear about this ashram I will tie a knot on the right side of my scarf. For each negative report, I will tie a knot on the left side of my scarf.”

A few weeks went by with the guru collecting knots.

Her friends came to her one day, and saw that her scarf was full of knots. She removed the scarf from her neck and showed it to them.

“you see, the scarf weighs the same on both sides.” And she hung the scarf around her neck again.

What is not optional is bitterness. I can’t fight that I feel a bitter taste in my mouth and don’t know how to turn it into something sweet anymore.

What is optional, is anger. Anger comes from loss of control, from disempowerment. Both a mentality I define.

Usually, when I feel anger, I chant/pray to channel it. I let it enter me, I feel it, I mean really feel it, and once it has had its way with me and I can recognize where it came from and why it is there, it leaves me on its own. Once the passage is over (whether it be 2 minutes or 2 hours) I am back to myself.  But, lately, the anger just keeps coming and coming. I can’t chant enough to get it to work its way through me, and I have to return to the world half-way through a baptism.

Once upon a time, I used anger as fuel. Now there is so much, it is clogging the engine. Perhaps the engine needs an upgrade, a creative change that converts this energy more efficiently. Perhaps I need to find an alternate source of energy, one very different from juvenile anger.

That seems like a lot of work to do on the self. Not only am I looking for an alternative renewable energy source, but I need to find a way to metabolize the energy thrown at me in a new way.

Perhaps, this is what I came here for; To learn how to carry the knotted scarf.